"Wildness" of God

"Now believe it or not, we are threatened by such a free God because it takes away all of our ability to control or engineer the process.  It leaves us powerless, and changes the language from any language of performance or achievement to that of surrender, trust and vulnerability... that is the so-called "wildness" of God.  We cannot control God by any means whatsoever, not even by our good behavior, which tends to be our natural instinct... That utter and absolute freedom of God is fortunately used totally in our favor, even though we are still afraid of it... It is called providence, forgiveness, free election or mercy... But to us, it feels like wildness - precisely because we cannot control it, manipulate it, direct it, earn it or lose it.  Anyone into controlling God by his or her actions will feel very useless, impotent and ineffective."  Richard Rohr from the Daily Office

I wanted to share this with you mainly because it spoke much to my heart of fear.  I think this quote plainly explains why I fear God.  I am powerless!  Yes, I want some semblance of control in my life. And I fear because I don't believe that He will use His "wildness" in my favor.  Now, I will be the first to tell you that He ALWAYS uses it for my good AND to make me more Christlike - but right there is where the rub comes in.  Those words are easy to say, but I must confess, I want an easy life, meaning I don't like hurt, pain or God's times of "on hold".  I so easily forget that I am called to suffer. "For it has been granted to me that for the sake of Christ I should not only believe in Him but also suffer for His sake." Phil 1:29  

Where do I get these ideas that my life should be a cake walk? Why does my flesh fight against difficult circumstances and especially when I look back and can only see that He has been so faithful to me!  It is easy for me to surrender when all is going well or in areas that are easy to surrender, but when the going gets tough it's much more difficult!  But the exciting thing is that God is teaching me that all I really need and long for is His presence.  This past week has been somewhat of an "on hold".  And I fought against it only to begin to pray for just a glimpse of His presence, "God just let me know you are right here with me, that is all I need". And He answered by prayers abundantly and indeed my heart and soul settled right down and my focus became once again not one of "my life feels out of control" but seeing and savoring my Savior!  "Be still and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Ps 46:10