I continue to pull myself up by my bootstraps, to add inches to my spiritual stature
I huff and puff to impress God
I thrash around trying to fix myself
I am focused on bad choices and failed dreams
I compare myself to others to bolster my righteousness
I am judgmental and critical of others
I don't want to see my imperfect existence
I deny my sins and deceive myself, all the time lying to myself
I am unloving, irritable, angry, resentful, disrespectful to my husband
I feel I need to apply spiritual cosmetics to make myself presentable to Him
I can't accept ownership of my poverty, powerlessness and neediness
I can't be honest with myself or others about who I am and my sin
I believe and doubt
I hope and get discouraged
I am trusting and still suspicious
I am honest and still play games
I believe God owes me for my faithfulness
I think/feel I can merit something on my own
I have to do and do and do instead of just receive like a little child
I can't trust in God because it's a matter of my heart
I walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty phase of life
year after year I long for perfection and it doesn't appear
I see that my old sin compulsions are still reigning in my life
despair destroys all joy and courage
I feel insecure, inadequate or mistaken
panic, depression and disillusionment are near me
I want to hide the ugly and repulsive in me
A wave of light breaks into my darkness and only by a Grace Bath, am I able to see:
God loves me as I am but also knows me as I am!
it's in my deepest awareness of myself that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.
I am accepted. I am accepted, by that which is greater than me.
I don't need to do ANYTHING.
I don't need to seek for ANYTHING, perform ANYTHING, or intend ANYTHING.
I only need to accept the face that I am accepted - and it's here that I experience grace!
My heart lives in each one of the WHENs but longs to live out of and embrace more and more the Grace Bath.
I am reading again THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL by Brennan Manning. The above while not original, is taken from chapter one - Something is Radically Wrong and is written in a format that God used to pierce my heart and help me to see more clearly.